Wednesday, March 24, 2010

heads i lose, tails you win.....

I'm stressed. Normally when I feel like this, I go out and run, hit the punching bag with a cricket bat, do something anything to get rid of the vibes. Things not being all they could be health wise, I can't. So I have to sit and think in circles, waiting for the perfect solution (which there isn't one of, by the way) to come along. I hate inactivity. It makes me feel trapped, claustrophobic. I need to move, fast, run, do something. The only bit of me that's moving at any speed is my mind and the combination of active mind and cactus body is driving me INSANE. I tried drowning out my stress with music, but nobody appreciates Blur at 3 million decibels apart from me. I have to cut down my work hours. I don't want to. I mean, I'd love the extra sleep, and Sebi would definately cope better if I had a couple of extra mornings at home, but I hate the choice being taken away from me. Which it has been to a certain extent. Health wise I can't keep up the five earlies, cos the combination of early shifts, no appetite and way too much caffeine has given me the BMI of a medium sized ten year old. Which brings with it a bunch of issues that I'm not gonna bore anyone with. So, in order to try and undo the damage, work has to go. Some of it at least. So I can give up the second job, dedicate the time to second son, (who really needs it) and return to the uber-budget lifestyle we had before I took it on. Or I can cut back my hours, hope I don't keep shrinking, manage on a little more sleep and a little less caffiene, and still have a little more to give to second son. Or I can keep going as I am till I disappear, secure in the knowledge that the extra money will do nothing to help either of the boys without me there to show them how to spend it wisely. And you wonder why I wanna run. I hate making decisions that affect other people. I always choose wrong. Even when I know it's right.


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